Pride and predicates...

-Well, you see, our lock is broken and I need to borrow from the caretaker... er... one of those tools that turns... you know the things... into the holes... could take them them out too... yes, I'd say that's also something it can do..."

-Um... a screwdriver? (chave de fenda)

If you decide to move to a foreign country, get ready for countless interactions like this one. Indeed, if you are insecure, afraid of rejection or needing to be taken down a few notches, I really can't think of a better way than overcoming your foibles than facing snickers, winces and blank stares pretty much every time you open your mouth.

Sometimes I repeat sentences three times, correcting grammar as I go. Other times, I talk so slowly, pausing every few words, people think I've suffered brain damage.

Then there's the "Spanishisms" (gimnasios don't exist in Brazil, they're "academias." Oh, and "buseta"? yeah, that's a vagina not a mode of transportation)

Receiving communication is also a full time job:
-Po po po?

Let's rewind that and play in slow motion
-Posso pôr pó? (Would you like for me to put some sugar (slang) in your coffee?)

OBVIOUSLY, I do not have the patience to continuously be admitting my brain failed to register that...

Ricardo says people ask me directions all the time, because I look foreign and, therefore, less likely to lie for the heck of it.

Joke's on them because I secretly take pleasure in sending people off in no particular direction when they ask me where a street is and I don't understand them. It's my revenge on them for their lazy pronunciation.

Today I sent "Miss Ugly Perm" "over there." I found out hours later she actually got lucky. I had pointed the right direction. An accident, I assure you.

While I can fool most people, Ricardo's on to me now... when I respond "uh huh, sure..." he's been stopping and demanding I repeat what he just said... the asshole.

Really though, clarification is important. It avoids conversations like these:

-Where the hell are we going? I have an appointment in a few minutes!

- I asked if we had time to go to the pharmacy and you said yes, and don't take that tone with me. It's not my fault you didn't say you didn't understand.

-[not spoken] Yes, it IS your fault for speaking this idiotic language! Portuguese?? Really??? [spoken] oooookay, well, can you drop me off first?

-I heard that.