Trying to be cool, I fall from grace

I knew we were in for it, when our instructor sauntered over, a smug look on her face and two Santa Claus hats in her hands. We were waiting for her in Spence Park where she had crypticly instructed us to meet for Health class last Wednesday. So great was our apathy (verging on self-hatred), we started to bond as classmates for the first time since January.

Fortunate, since we were paired off into teams and informed we would be playing Capture the Santa Hat in lieu of our normal workout. Oh happy day.


My strategy to best avoid any unnecessary physical exertion was to make an early haphazard break for the hat, get tagged, and saunter off to jail from where I could view the action and make snarky comments about the players. I was in my element: I had an audience, I was bored and feeling highly "above all this childish crap." [Ironic since I spent yesterday morning blowing bubbles in the park with Alycia]

No more is required to get my caustic creativity going.


Why do I never realize, as I become more of an outspoken asshole, I am actually stacking on layers of negativity to the lameness of the situation?


I got my comeuppance though... Oh boy, did I ever. As she took role at the end of class, a random bird (apparently flightless) started squawking hysterically. I mean this thing was having a conniption fit. So I kicked at it and yelled to make it shut up (I was really thinking I was cool... remember, in my element).

Weirdly, the bird didn't really move at first, but continued squawking now joined by the shrill protestations of several classmates. I had kind of a sinking feeling as I finally spotted the four, well-camouflaged eggs tenderly nestled into the mulch that momma bird had been guarding.

Fail.

As I rode away on my bicycle the bird's desperate pleas for mercy still ringing in my ears, two of my female classmates shot me death glares... "bird-kicker." I could almost hear their vaginas snapping shut to me forever... kind of like a bear trap.

Nonplussed, I rode forward to ride like an eager little puppy starved for approval next to a male classmate with whom only minutes earlier I had enjoyed a lively rapport. I mocked the bird and my classmates' disdain only to be tolerated briefly and dispensed with. Smiling self-consciously like I was back in junior high [shudder] I rode off to take a hot shower and contemplate my fall from grace.

It's amazing how quickly you can move from cool, edgy guy to Satan's least favorite dickhead just for overlooking some freaking eggs. Geez...